Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers
coyly said "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please".

St Peter was standing by the Pearly Gates at the entrance to Heaven when Bill Gates suddenly appeared in front of him, dead.

"Got a bit of a problem with you Bill, "said St Peter. "On the one hand, you have made most of the world computer literate and put computers at everyones beck and call. On the other hand, you gave them Windows, and kept on updating it so that the version they bought a few years ago is useless." He paused for a moment. "Tell you what," he said. "I'll let you decide where you should go. You decide if you should go to heaven or to hell. How does that sound to you?"

Bill immediately said, "Let me have a look at Hell first will you before I make up my mind?"

"No problem," replied St Peter, and in a flash the two of them were standing before the gates of Hell. St Peter opened them and Bill looked inside. He could not believe his eyes.

Stretching away as far as the eye could see was a landscape of beautiful golden white sand being caressed by gently flowing blue waves. On the beach were fifty of the worlds most beautifu women clad only in the scantiest bikinis, each of them smiling towards Bill and offering him cocktails, pints of Thwaites Bitter and Hollands meat pies.

He turned to St Peter. "I think I'll stay here," he said.

"OK" replied Pete and closed the door behind him leaving Bill to spend the rest of his days in Hell.

A month later St Peter decided topay Bill a visit to see how he was coping with his eternity in hell. He opened the gates of Hell to see Bill Gates being turned over hot coals on a roasting spit. All around him was a cavern of the most obnoxious leathal flames and lava. On seeing St Peter Bill turned to him in anguish. "Peter, St Peter," he cried out, "You lied, what happend to the sea shore and the beautiful women?" he implored.

"Oh, didn't I tell you Bill," replied St Peter.

"That was just the screensaver"

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year. (courtesy of Roger Darlington)

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not".

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5,000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land or only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we
can do a very nice burial here.
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the
United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church.

Mrs. Anderson's husband had been reported missing for more than three months. Her friends and relatives did not know if the poor man had met with foul play or had merely absented himself from the family hearth. One day the lady received a call from the city morgue requesting her to identify a body that might very well be Mr. Anderson. The morgue attendant lifted the sheet, disclosing the recently dead but very well-endowed corpse. "No," Mrs. Anderson said. "That isn't my husband, but some woman certainly lost a very good friend."

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask."It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for
essentially the same service!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die !

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!

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